Toddlers and preschoolers are at an age where they are wrestling with a mix of emotions and impulses, pushing limits, and exploring their independence and abilities. When children are provided the safety and comfort they need through confident leadership and respectful guidance, they flourish. When boundaries are set in place and are successful, children are calmer and feel freer, testing the limits less and trusting their parents, their caregivers, and the world around them.
The question is- how do you become an effective disciplinarian? What are some of the actions- the habits- you must take on and be consistent at so children respond to you better? In this article, I’ll be discussing 3 parenting habits that can transform your discipline, and in so doing, your relationship with your child.
1. The first habit is to gain mental clarity and be mindful of your “No”
Your toddler is going to test out different behaviors. Their brains are still immature but rapidly growing. They want to exercise their newfound independence. They want to see what they are capable of. Your communication of what is allowed and not allowed must be clear, concise, and consistent, and it’s crucial that you know why you are setting a limit.
One of the common strategies is telling a child “No!” when a child does something you don’t want them to do. Now, I want to be clear about what I’m going to state next: there’s nothing wrong with the word “No” as part of teaching children what is unsafe or not appropriate. It’s definitely needed during times of emergency, when there’s no time for so many words, and you need to urgently say something to your child to keep them safe, like stopping them from running into the street. But when the word is constantly used, when “No!” is said out of habit and told to a child without reason, your child will eventually become numb to the word “No”. The message that we inadvertently give is “I say no because I said so.” It isn’t a long-term solution. Your “No” will eventually carry very little weight in disciplining your child because, in all honesty, who wants to trust and listen to a person who says “No” to every little thing and gives you no reason?
Clarity in knowing when to allow a behavior or not is key to effective discipline. Start looking closely at your child’s action, and ask yourself BEFORE you speak to your child-
“Is my child’s action harming my child?
“Is it harming other people?
“Is it harming the environment?
If it’s a yes to any of these questions, then it’s time for you to intervene. Remember, you are saving the urgent “No” for emergencies. When it’s not an emergency, you have time to give your child more information or offer an alternative to their behavior. Keep it concise. Toddlers don’t have long attention spans. For example, you see your toddler playing with a stick and their sibling is nearby. You can say, “Your sister is next to us. Let’s stand back and you can play with the stick over here so she doesn’t get hurt.” Providing your child more information and telling them what they CAN do gives them an opportunity to control themselves and follow the limits you’re setting.
2. The second habit is to pay attention to your child’s positive behaviors
I learned an important lesson many years ago in graduate school that dramatically changed how I looked at children and how to raise them, and it was this: “for every time you must discipline a child’s inappropriate behavior, you must be paying attention to the 10 positive actions they are ALSO doing each day.”
And let me tell you, in the 20 years that I’ve been working with children, 10 positive actions is a highly UNDERESTIMATED amount. That’s important to remember because no one, absolutely no one, neither child nor adult, wants to listen to someone who points out everything they’re doing wrong but doesn’t say anything positive.
As parents, it’s easy to see the behaviors we don’t want to see from our children. We don’t want them throwing food on the floor. We don’t tolerate name-calling and hitting other children. We don’t accept whining and screaming as acceptable forms of getting what you want. But effectively disciplining our children doesn’t just mean supporting them through these inappropriate behaviors. It’s also knowing that at the very core, your child is a “good kid”. We pay attention to the many positive actions they already do each day so they also recognize their own goodness, and they continue to practice more positive actions.
How do we put this habit into practice?
Instead of saying “Good job”, give specific information about what they did and how it affected the people or the things around them. Pay attention to your tone and facial expression as you say it. It conveys a lot.
For example-
“Thank you for cleaning up the table. That was really helpful!”
“Whoa! You climbed up ALL those steps on your own?! You did it!
“I love your hugs! They make me happy!
“You helped your sister get a bandaid. That was a kind thing to do. It will help with the cut on her knee.”
Most likely you are doing some of this already, and keep in mind, you don’t need to do this all day. A good cue for when to practice paying attention to their positive behaviors is when a child references to you- they look to you because they want to share the experience with you or maybe they need some guidance on interpreting another child’s reaction.
When you’re looking out for their positive actions, you soon realize they happen more than you think. Your child becomes much more receptive to your discipline because not everything they are told is a correction.
3. The third habit is to provide your child the opportunity to control their own behavior by giving logical consequences.
When we effectively discipline toddlers and preschoolers, our goal is for them to internalize and remember the limits and consequences that we set so they are able to control themselves. When they become aware of the consequences of their behavior, they are less dependent on us and become more self-reliant. This process takes time, but it develops little by little as we provide them with small windows of opportunity to practice
I’ll give you an example:
Your toddler is drawing with his pencil and paper at the table. He begins writing on the paper, but suddenly starts scribbling on the table. You don’t want him to do this. You want him to draw on the paper.
This is when you set the limit.
But first, we stay calm and avoid the big reactions such as “NO” like we discussed earlier. Remember, this is not an emergency. When you’re able to stay calm, you allow your toddler to listen to your guidance. We give them clear and concise information because too much information or too many words can overwhelm them.
“The table isn’t for drawing”
Then, focus on what they CAN do so they are more likely to understand and follow the direction.
“Please draw on the paper”
If they continue with the behavior, we state the consequence. Let your toddler know what will happen if he or she continues the behavior. The consequence should be logical, meaning it connects with the unwanted behavior.
“If you’re going to draw on the table, we’ll be all done with drawing.”
You’re giving your child that window of opportunity, that chance, to remember the limit that you set and the potential consequence in order to control themselves.
When they follow your direction, pay attention to the appropriate behavior. Look at them, smile, nod, and verbally acknowledge that positive action.
“Thank you for keeping it on the paper”
When you make the effort to acknowledge their positive behavior, they’re more likely to repeat it.
Becoming an effective disciplinarian and building a trusting relationship with your child doesn’t happen overnight. As you know, nothing worthwhile in this life comes that easy. But rest assured, the habits you practice every day- mindfulness in your actions, clarity in your communication, awareness of positivity, and calmness in your follow-through- when done consistently, will greatly transform how you lead and discipline your child for the better, and your child will thrive in the predictable and safe environment you have bravely created for them.
