I grew up in a household where mealtime was treated as sacred family time- my mom, dad, me, and my younger brother together. When the table was set and food was warmed, my brother and I were called to eat and we were expected to be at the table. The food was not to get cold. When I was a teenager and I received a call from a friend during dinner time, my mom would tell me as I picked up the phone, “It’s dinner time now. You can call her later.” I remember times when I felt annoyed, often wondering what the big deal was if I just took a simple call. I knew, however, that it was an expectation; a rule that was followed by everyone in the house. Even my parents never took a call during these times. We sat together, ate, and talked with no outside distractions.I followed that mealtime routine every day while I was living at home with my parents, and just like many aspects of childhood you don’t truly appreciate until you reach adulthood, I look back on those times with gratitude. I feel that much of my emotional connection to my parents and brother stem from the many years of conversations we had during our mealtimes. It has also been my motivation in both my personal and professional life to instill those defining moments in others. I admit that it makes me sad when I walk into a restaurant and families are not eating and talking together. Most of what I see now are children, even young toddlers, with their eyes glued to some sort of electronic device and parents are on their phone. Many people don’t see anything wrong with this situation. The children are quiet- what could be so wrong?

I believe that one of the main reasons behind the rise of electronic device usage during mealtimes is simple: mealtimes feel more peaceful and parents can finally take a break from the “chaos”. Some toddlers scream, throw their food, refuse to sit down, or try to climb on top of the table. Couples tell me they can’t even have a conversation at the table without their child interrupting them. The thought of eating at a restaurant with their children gives many parents a headache. If your mealtime feels like a war zone, you would rather stay home than go out to eat, even if it is to celebrate your birthday. And frankly, who would blame you? The last thing any parent wants to deal with at a restaurant is thrown food and incessant yelling. So many well-meaning parents come to me for suggestions on how to teach their toddlers to behave during mealtimes. This was such a common concern that I added a snack time routine in my class. The truth is children don’t magically behave. It takes time, practice, and consistent limits for them to be able to be the kind of company you would enjoy being with. Here are some tips:

1. 1. Offer healthy meals and snacks at established times.
      Begin with making sure your child is actually hungry. Contrary to popular belief, toddlers are not hungry ALL the time. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, toddlers eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner with a small, healthy snack in the morning and afternoon. That’s it. Even a morning snack may not be necessary depending on the time the child wakes up. If a child is constantly snacking, mealtimes at the table can result in a power struggle because your child is not hungry.
   2. Change your mindset: Think of mealtimes- where you sit and eat together- as a time to offer good nutrition AND have a meaningful social experience with your child It’s like having dinner with your good friends. What do you enjoy most about it? It’s most likely the conversations you are having and the calmness and relaxation you feel being around people you love. Before you know it, time has flown by because you were so engaged in that moment simply eating and talking. Toddlers who experience mealtimes as a pleasurable social experience, not an obligation, learn more from it. It provides them with a sense of belonging and community. They learn their voices and actions are meaningful and worth paying attention to which ultimately builds their confidence.
   3. Set the proper atmosphere: No outside distractions such as toys or electronic devices at the table and no television playing in the background so it provides the opportunity for youand your child to be present in the moment. Toddlers are more mindful of what they are eating when there are no distractions. Sit down and have a conversation about the food you and your child are eating, i.e. “I put some parmesan cheese on the broccoli tonight”, “The hummus is delicious. What do you think?”. Children then become more aware of what they are eating and aware of themselves such as feeling full. As toddlers become more verbal, your conversations can give you an even deeper insight into who they are as individuals- what their favorite songs are, what they think of their teachers, how they feel about their new friend. When you can engage in quality back-and-forth communication, children are sent the message that their ideas and thoughts are valuable.
   4. Set consistent and appropriate limits on how to behave during mealtime. Toddlers learn an awareness of others and respect for other people through good manners and proper etiquette, i.e. feet stay on the floor not on the table, not blowing bubbles in their milk, asking politely for more food, cleaning up after themselves, or serving themselves a little bit at a time so other people can have food too. It is also a time for toddlers to learn safe practices, i.e. sitting while eating to prevent choking, avoiding “grazing’ which is a cycle of picking food at the table, leaving, and then coming back again. This puts children at risk for cavities and become so full from snacking that it prevents them from sitting down and eating during mealtimes.
   5. Allow your child to be an active participant. Toddlers practice a multitude of skills at this time such as fine-motor skills and hand-eye coordination with the use of their hands or utensils to pick up food and drinking out of a cup. They acquire verbal skills through engaging in back-and-forth communication, and they practice self-control when they must wait a little while to be served more food or when they serve themselves from the community bowl when family-style eating is practiced. We give them opportunities to be successful such as pouring only a small amount of water for them in an open- faced cup so they practice and eventually learn to drink from it. Or we bring them a small dish bin to place their dirty dishes after they are finished eating. This teaches them a sense of responsibility in themselves and for their environment. When possible, allow them to prepare the meal with you. They can do simple tasks such as spread the pizza sauce on the dough, pour a cup of flour into the batter, or scoop a spoonful of jam onto toast. The process may be a bit messy or take a little longer, but your goal is for your child to become comfortable with the food and enjoy the process of creating a meal.
   6. Trust your child. Remember that it is the norm for toddlers to be picky eaters. It takes a significant amount of time exposing them to a particular food before they even attempt to taste it. Encouraging children to eat through our own modeling of healthy eating and habits as well as allowing them to eat at their own pace is different from forcing children to eat through withholding, restricting, or offering rewards to eat. Manipulating or coercing them will eventually lead to a battle that parents never win because in the end children (or anyone for that matter) can’t be made to eat. As parents, we are in charge of WHAT foods we offer and WHEN we offer it, but our children are in charge of HOW MUCH they will eat.
   7. Respect your child’s time to eat. Toddlers are naturally slower to process and do things than adults. They also eat far less than adults because their stomach sizes are smaller. Avoid rushing your child to eat. DO pay attention to their cues when they are finished which is evident in their actions, such as constantly trying to get out of the chair, throwing food on the floor, or turning their head away. You can let them know what it tells you in short, simple statements and explanations: “You’re throwing your food on the floor. It tells me you’re finished. Food is for eating. Are you all done?” If they say they are still eating, give positive guidance by emphasizing what they CAN do rather than what they CANNOT do: “Let’s eat” instead of “Don’t throw your food on the floor.” Children are much better at controlling themselves when they are reminded and guided on what they SHOULD be doing rather than constantly reprimanded for what they should NOT be doing.
   8. Remain neutral and non-emotional with food. Avoid over-praising statements (saying “good job” and clapping), emotional judgements (“you made me so happy that you ate” or “it hurts my feelings when you don’t want to eat food I cooked for you”), and extrinsic rewards (stickers or sweet desserts) to get them to eat foods we want them to eat. Remaining neutral during mealtimes means an attitude of acceptance whether they simply taste a portion of food, devour the entire meal, or decide not to try anything at all. Mealtime is an intimate routine that can be fun and enjoyable for you AND your child. Invest in that time together.