Are you tired of feeling guilty or frustrated when it comes to disciplining your child? You want your child to practice self-control and follow your directions, but every time you set boundaries, your child gets upset. You want to feel confident in how you discipline and establish yourself as an authority, but sticking to those boundaries become an overwhelming feat, and all that advice you received from friends and family that you’ve painstakingly tried isn’t working. It makes you wonder what needs to change and what is holding you back from being the parent you want to be.
Before we delve into this, let’s get on the same page on what I mean about discipline. Discipline means “to teach”, and when we talk about disciplining children, I’m not talking about punishment. I’m referring to how you guide, lead, and mentor your child so they can behave appropriately, govern themselves, and make better choices as they learn from their mistakes.
When you see your role in discipline clearly, you can begin paying attention to the things that get in your way. They are the actions you may not notice that are keeping you from establishing yourself as a leader and building a trusting relationship with your child. Let’s talk about 3 common barriers to effective discipline and the actions you can actively take to break them down.
The first barrier to effective discipline is fearing your child’s emotions.
Do you find yourself tip-toeing around your child in regards to setting limits? You hold back on saying “no” because you don’t want them to get angry about it or you’re waiting for them to buy into your rules?
Here’s the truth- children aren’t always going to agree with the limits you set. Actually, it’s very likely they won’t. They will feel upset, frustrated, disappointed- a whole range of emotions- and depending on their age, they might cry, pout, scream, or argue with you about it. They don’t want to leave the park, they don’t want to clean their mess, or they want more screen time. Every child, even the most easy-going one, will express their emotions in a way that might surprise or even scare you- maybe it’s new, intense, or excessively loud. Regardless, emotions are simply part of being human, and your child’s emotions are not a reflection of you or your parenting. It doesn’t mean you have a bad kid.
When we fear our child’s emotions, we go into the mode of immediately trying to fix or make things better. Because of this, we hold ourselves back from following through on the rules we set or we resort to bribes in hopes that they buy into what we are asking them to do. In reality, these tactics don’t establish you as an authority, it doesn’t build trust in who you are, and it doesn’t work in the long run. You’re not responsible for your child’s emotions, and it isn’t a parent’s job to make sure children are happy all the time. In fact, it’s unrealistic to expect that anyone can be happy ALL the time. Children aren’t broken so we don’t need to “fix” their feelings. Our job as parents is to accept and acknowledge those feelings WHILE we hold our boundaries. This can sound like-
“You’re upset that it’s time to go to bed. I know. It’s OK to feel upset about it. You can tell me that. Let’s walk together to the bedroom.”
Children have a right to their emotions while we have the responsibility to set limits and teach them HOW to cope and express their emotions in a healthy way.
The second barrier is allowing your guilt to drive your parenting.
Feelings of guilt can influence your parenting decisions and greatly interfere with disciplining your children. The guilt can stem from different areas of your life, and it’s helpful to self-reflect and identify those situations. It’s also important to remember that guilt is an emotion, and there’s nothing wrong with you if you feel guilty. Much like what we say to our children, “all emotions are OK”, it’s how we cope and express them that matters.
Guilt is a powerful emotion and can quickly morph into shame. You may start to question, “Am I doing enough as a parent?” Or you make a mistake with your kids and you tell yourself, “I’m such a bad parent”. That act of shaming yourself, without even realizing it, can lead you to engage in behaviors to try to alleviate your feelings of guilt. This could mean giving into your child’s demands even if you don’t want to, not enforcing rules or setting clear boundaries.
The way to move forward is to recognize and acknowledge those feelings of guilt, rather than shaming yourself for it. Allow those feelings to remind you of these facts:
you have the experience, knowledge, and foresight that your child doesn’t have yet so the limits and boundaries you set are, in fact, doing what is best for them even if they don’t like it.
you will make mistakes. You’re human and we all make them. It’s OK for your child to see that because they will also see how you own up to those mistakes, take accountability, learn from it, and move forward.
The third barrier to effective discipline is allowing your emotional reactions to get ahead of you.
Children’s brains are immature, making them emotional and intense. They might say or do whatever comes to mind, especially if they know it causes a strong reaction out of you. You might hear-
“You can’t tell me what to do!”
“You’re not the boss of me!”
“This is so unfair!”
Don’t take your child’s reactions personally. You must remember- your child isn’t trying to attack you. This isn’t about you. When you take it personally, you join their emotional turmoil. Your job is to support your child through it by remaining above that emotional turmoil and staying calm. Pause first and take a breath before speaking to your child so that you give yourself space and time to collect yourself. When you practice this, you are then able to make space for YOUR child and follow through on your limit. This can sound like-
“You don’t want to turn off your game. I understand. It’s tough to turn it off when you’re having so much fun. It’s time to turn it off, and you can play again tomorrow after lunchtime.”
You’re not going to get it right every time, and that’s OK. This isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress. Raising mentally healthy children requires breaking down the barriers that keep you from being what children need, and the confident leader in you emerges when you take action- understanding your triggers and owning your role as a leader, reframing your feelings of guilt, and staying calm during confrontational moments. When you take those brave steps, your child trusts in what you say, responds to you better, and you become much more effective in your discipline.
