Are you having a tough time setting limits with your toddler or preschooler? Do you often find yourself at wits end, and as much as you try to calmly set limits, you end up losing control of the situation?

When people talk about discipline and setting limits with children, it’s often associated with being cruel and that you have to be this domineering tyrant in order for your child to listen to you. Yet, the truth is, you don’t have to set limits this way. You don’t need to nag, yell, or scream to be a confident leader, guide, and mentor for your toddler or preschooler. You need to be willing to be the authority; to be the parent your child needs. This isn’t about controlling your child. It’s about controlling what you think and do, and that often means doing the difficult tasks and making the tough decisions, even if it means your child doesn’t like it or gets mad at you.

How do you become this confident leader? How do you guide your child with respect without being harsh or cruel?

The first tip is: Avoid taking your child’s behaviors personally 

What you think of your child’s behaviors is going to affect how you discipline them. If you believe your toddler isn’t listening to you on purpose to ignore or annoy you, you’re going to act differently towards them than if you knew the truth: they push back because it’s part of their development and a healthy attachment to you. Knowing this shifts your approach to more understanding and empathy for your child right from the start.

Toddlers and preschoolers test to see their power and their will, and they want to see if you can be trusted with containing this power, which can sometimes be scary for them to bear alone. Their tantrums and cries are not a way to manipulate you, but rather their way of communicating that they need your guidance, support, and connection.

The second tip is: Set the limit early 

Avoid giving your child too many chances to correct their behavior. If you do this, you’re very likely to get annoyed or frustrated because they continue to push back, which then leads to yelling or wanting to yell.

I’ll give you an example:

You and your child are in the car, ready to leave and go to the grocery store. 

You: “It’s time to get into the car seat.”

Child:  “I do it.”

You: “Ok great, go ahead.” 

You notice he’s not trying to get into the car seat. He sits on the side of his car seat and plays with the seat belts instead. 

You: “Climb into your car seat. You need me to help you?” 

Child: “No!! I do it!” 

So, you wait for him to get in, BUT he continues to play. With all your best intentions, you don’t help him into the car seat because you want to give him that opportunity to exercise his independence and do what you ask without having to physically help him. 

But now, you’re stuck. Ultimately, this waiting game frustrates you, pushes your buttons, and riles you up. These feelings bottle up inside you, and as much as you try to stay calm, you can’t. This is typically the point when parents lose their sh*t. 

You want to discipline and teach your child BEFORE you get to that point, which leads us to…

The third tip: Follow through on your limits

Don’t confuse respectful discipline with permissive parenting. Showing respect to a child doesn’t mean we are required to give in to their every whim and desire. The limits you set are necessary for a child’s healthy development, and not following through on your limits can lead to frustration and ultimately yelling. The goal is for your child to trust what you say. 

There’s nothing wrong with giving your child the opportunity to exercise their independence and their will. But keep in mind, children’s brains are also immature, they lack self-control, and easily get distracted. When this happens, they can linger on their preferred activity and need more guidance from you to move along and do what you ask. This is when they need more than your words; they need you to intervene, even if they have a difficult time.   

Let’s do a do-over of the previous example:

You: “It’s time to get into the car seat.”

Child:  “I do it.”

You: “Ok great, go ahead.” 

You notice he’s not trying to get into the car seat. He sits on the side of his car seat and plays with the seat belts instead. 

Narrate what you see and let him know what the consequence will be so he knows what to expect from you.

You: “It looks like you’re playing with the seat belts instead of getting into your car seat. If you’re not going to sit down on your own, I’m going to help you.” 

Child: “No!! I do it!” 

Calmly give him the benefit of the doubt and see if he’s able to control his behavior and do what you’re asking of him. This means he has internalized or remembered the limit you set and the consequence. No easy feat. 

You: “Ah ok, climb in.”  You physically motion to the car seat as an added direction in case your child needs more help understanding what to do. 

By this point, a child will get into the car seat. 

On the other hand, if your child ignores you, this is when you follow through on your limit.

You: “It looks like you need my help. I’m helping you to the car seat.” And you place him in the car seat.

Your child might protest- kicking, crying, and screaming, “NO! I do it!”, but you remain steadfast and follow through with the consequence you stated, calmly and confidently.

Your child is still learning to understand and manage their feelings, and it can be quite scary to be this out of control. However, when you stay calm and grounded, when you hold the boundary even when it’s tough, and when you allow your child to have their feelings while helping them move forward, it fosters a sense of security where your child learns not to fear their feelings, but develops the confidence and self-esteem to internalize healthy ways to cope with their emotions, learn what are appropriate and inappropriate behaviors, and eventually learn to govern themselves.

Becoming your child’s leader, guide, and mentor doesn’t mean you must be cruel to be listened to, and it also doesn’t mean your child is allowed to dismiss or ignore what you say. Your confidence is built from moment after moment of following through on your limits without waiting for your child’s buy in. Confidence is built from practicing these strategies, knowing you won’t be perfect at it every time, but becoming mindful of your emotional triggers so you can stay in control of what you say and do during challenging times with your child.

Your ability to stay in control of your emotions while taking care of your child sends a very powerful message: you’re not afraid of their feelings and you’re well-equipped to manage the situation. Over time, your child will trust you more and test you less.