Have you ever had that horrible feeling come over you when you have stopped your child from doing something and he cries or throws a fit? Or that feeling of ‘what’s wrong with me? when your infant prefers to be comforted by your significant other? I have been an educator for parents, teachers, and children for almost 15 years and one thing remains very clear: raising children, regardless of any factors, has the potential to bring about our innermost doubts and fears. Some of which we may not even have realized was there until a child came into our life and suddenly our perspective of the world is different. What I see too often, unfortunately, are those doubts and fears taking over, controlling parents, and hindering them from developing a respectful and trusting relationship with their children. Many people do not realize that becoming conscious of those doubts and fears can allow us the opportunity to overcome them. Who we were in the past does not determine who we can become as parents. 

When I stepped into the world of Early Childhood Education (ECE) in 2003, little did I know how much it would change me. In many ways I felt like an introvert through my childhood and adolescent years. I was quiet, reserved, and rarely spoke up in group situations. I was the child who lacked confidence and could not ask for a fork at a restaurant; the teen who believed she had no voice to stand up for herself. Years later, when I began practicing the application of all the leading theories and strategies in child development and education, I not only witnessed firsthand how these strategies created positive change in children, but I unexpectedly began to see a change in myself. I was more confident, honest, and determined in my actions because this was who I needed to be to work with children. Children are naturally perceptive and tell it like it is. The toddlers I worked with had no problem throwing tantrums because I could not allow them to climb on the bookshelves. The infants had no hesitation in screaming and crying when an unknown stranger such as myself was changing their diaper. I had to learn to build up some very thick skin and focus on accomplishing what was best for the children and not make constant attempts to save my own ego by asking, “How come they don’t like me?” I had to begin believing I was an authority. Gone were the days that I did not speak up for myself. Gone were the days that I gave up at the hint of struggle and failure. If I did not see myself as an authority with a voice, how could I possibly expect children to see me as that? The more action I took in speaking up and setting consistent limits, following through, and not taking children’s cries and tantrums personally, the better the children responded. Out of this grew trusting relationships, well-adjusted children, and a more empowered me. 

Now, I am a mother (and teacher) to a beautiful 5-year-old girl. Like all parents, I am very familiar with the kind of emotional demons we can face within ourselves as we parent our children. We may question ourselves when we see the tears streaming down their faces or when we are at the receiving end of their negotiations. Even though we have set the rules and limits with our children, we are still human. We may second guess ourselves and make us wonder about those very limits- “Should I give her the third donut?”, “Should I let her jump on the couch?” or “Should I be pushing bedtime an hour since she’s so busy playing?”

So, how do we overcome the doubts and fears that stir inside us? How do we follow through with the plans we make with our children and the limits and the boundaries that we set for them so we can have a positive relationship?

1. 1. Accept and have faith that building a trusting and respectful relationship with anyone, especially children, takes time and consistency. This can be a difficult concept to grasp if the goal you have in mind is to get the child to like you and you want that to happen immediately. That should never be the focus. When your infant continues to cry despite all your comforting attempts, when your one year old throws their applesauce in your face in anger, when your preschooler tells you, “You’re so mean!”, avoid giving in to the self-doubt and fearing your child hates you.
   2. Avoid giving in to the limiting beliefs that there is something wrong with you and you are helpless to make any kind of change in the situation. Children need a secure and trusting relationship in order to survive. It is in their best interest to find out if you are up to the task and they will make every effort to find that out until you can prove that you can be trusted.
   3. Focus on your goal and know that you are in control of how to handle your feelings. Like any problem or struggle we face, we find out how capable we are by facing those challenges.
   4. Know that your feelings of fear, worry, guilt, and sadness are perfectly normal. Be mindful of them and recognize when it happens. It is how we manage those feelings that matter in order to positively guide our children. So as difficult as it may seem, look beyond children’s crying, defiance, noncompliance, and be the person they need you to be.