“Nothing compares to the quality of time you give.” That was my father’s philosophy. He died on the morning of December 27, 2017 from liver cancer, and as I stood beside him and heartbreakingly watched him slip away from me, I was reminded of his philosophy on life. My father was my constant and my rock, and knowing I can no longer call him and hear his voice, have coffee with him at the mall, or have our long conversations during a meal is a painful reality. I know my father was a busy man, and yet somehow, he had a way of making me feel like he had all the time in the world. Despite all his responsibilities at work and at home, he emphasized the expression of love and care through quality time, and he showed me its importance in all the little things- he never looked at his phone or his watch when he talked with me, he would sit with me and keep me company at the kitchen table while I ate, and he would call during the day just to see how I was doing. I deeply miss our time together in every one of those moments. I miss my father and all the love and joy he embodied. What I wouldn’t give just to have a little more quality time with him.
When my father died, it made me reflect on my own life as a parent and as a teacher, and how his death greatly impacted me in more ways than one, just like his life did. My father was gone within 5 months of his diagnosis, and in that time, I realized what children will truly remember about their parents when life comes to an end. Our children won’t remember how much money we had or any of the material possessions. None of that matters. What our children will remember is the time we spent with them. All those quality moments of love will replay in their minds long after we have left them, and if we have done our part as parents, our children will hopefully carry it forward to the next generation.
Parenting is about building a relationship. Whether or not it is built on trust, honesty, and mutual respect depends on us as parents. Just like any relationship we have in our lives, our relationship with our children takes time to build, and it is in our willingness and follow through to be present with them that makes all the difference. Life often feels very hurried, especially with children. Life consists of going to work, bringing the kids to school or taking them to activities, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and the list goes on. When life feels incredibly busy, how do we spend quality time with our children?
1) Change the way you look at quality time.
Spending quality time with your children does not have to be expensive nor does it mean spending hours on end with them. It means making the most of the time that you have together by slowing down, giving your undivided attention, and sensitively tuning in to your child’s needs.
2) Give undivided attention throughout the day.
Whether you are a stay-at-home parent or you work outside the home, carve out some time to be with your children doing something they enjoy. If they like to play with Legos, join them in building. If they like to play dress up, put on a hat and pretend with them. Sit and talk with them during mealtimes. Avoid distractions like the TV, iPad, or your phone. Put the electronic devices in another room if you find yourself constantly looking at it. The idea is to be present in mind and body. Set aside your mental list of “things to do”. 20 minutes of undivided attention is worth more to your child than an hour of giving only half your attention. Think about what it is like to have dinner with a friend who you are trying to have a conversation with, but she/he constantly looks to her/his phone to text or browse through Facebook. It sends the message that you are not important enough to be given full attention. Show your child that being with them is a priority and worth your time.
3) Take advantage of the time you spend participating in daily care routines with your child.
Play is not the only time we can give our undivided attention. If you have an infant or toddler, how you provide intimate, one-on-one, daily care routines, such as changing a diaper, giving a bath, feeding, and putting your child to sleep shows them just how much value they place in your life. If you are rushing through the routines and believe it just needs to get done, you will miss the opportunity for your child to know who you are and how much you love them. So, get down to their level, make eye contact, take your time, and describe what you are doing and what is happening so they know what to expect. Does every diaper change go smoothly? No. Will the child always happily abide to what you ask of them during bedtime? No. But that is how a relationship is- there are easy times and there are conflicts. That is part of building trust with another person. What we want our children to know is that through the easy and challenging times, our love is constant and completely unconditional. How comforting that is to any child who knows, feels, and believes this about their parent.
Never underestimate the influence of quality time on a relationship. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared me for the profound grief I would endure in losing my father, but I also did not expect that my cherished memories and relationship with him would gift me with incredible solace and carry me through the sorrow day after day. It is my hope that as a parent you find your own way of providing quality time, connecting with your children, and building the kind of emotional bond that continues to exist even beyond death.
