A father opened up to me about his concern regarding his two-year old son:

My two-year old has been pushing and hitting kids a lot lately. When we go to the park, family parties, playgrounds, he goes up to the kids and seems excited to be around them at first. Then without warning he either pushes, slaps, or kicks them. I immediately pull him aside, tell him “No” and that he can’t hit other kids. He’s fine for a little while and then he’s back to doing it again. Sometimes I just get so frustrated and I’m tired of having to tell him to stop that I put him in his stroller and I tell him that he needs to sit in the stroller because he’s not behaving around other kids. He then cries and screams. I don’t know why he is so aggressive and I don’t know what else to do.

I really had to commend this father for asking for help and being open and honest about his frustrations. A situation like this, for any parent, can be so difficult because, let’s face it, no one wants to see their child hitting other children and seeming unable to control themselves. In order for any of us to begin to understand why this happens, we must start with the child’s point of view. The truth is, hitting, slapping, kicking, and other forms of aggressive behavior are a normal part of development. Toddlers are still learning to control themselves, and at the same time, they have limited language. Toddlers are also learning to socialize and enter into play with other children. This is not an easy task. It takes courage, skill, and a whole lot of practice to enter into play. Think about how you would feel as an adult going to a crowded party. You look around and there are groups of people talking and laughing in their conversation. Or you see an attractive person sitting at the bar drinking a colorful drink. Imagine how you would feel approaching a group of people and joining in the conversation. What would you say? How would you approach a person you had been watching from afar and find interesting? If you are married now or if you have a significant other, think back to when you were single. What were your moves? These are the kind of skills we begin working on at an early age. Your child is fascinated with the other children. He may observe from far away and then slowly approach them or he may quickly join in their play. Often times if the child does not get the kind of attention he is seeking from the other children, such as conversing with him, playing with him, looking at him, etc. then the child starts to try other ways to get a reaction such as screaming, pushing, hitting, etc. This definitely gets a reaction from the other children. Now, what do we do as parents? Just because aggressive behavior is normal for toddlers does not mean we stand around and let it happen. I’m going to break down the father’s situation in order to illustrate steps that can be taken to support a child’s initiation of play:

“…I don’t know why he is so aggressive…”

4. 4. Use positive guidance and offer an alternative
      Observe WHY he is displaying the aggressive behavior. An aggressive act towards their peers communicates a message- whether they are trying to initiate play, they don’t want to be in the same space, they want the toy, etc. In order to teach appropriate behaviors you would need to find out the reason for the inappropriate ones. Observe what your child is trying to do instead of focusing on their behaviors. Reframe your language and use positive guidance by emphasizing what your child CAN do rather than what they CANNOT do. For example, if your child is with a group of kids who are dancing to music and he starts to hit because he wants to dance too, instead of saying, “No! Don’t hit the kids”, put your hand in between and say, “I won’t let you hit. That’s too rough. You can dance around with them if you want to join in.” You can help him understand what that means by pointing out what the other children are doing or you can dance too so he can better understand what you’re suggesting for him to do. If you simply say, “No”, he is left with no way of knowing how to express himself in a different way because it has no specific direction. He will eventually become numb to the word “no” and continue his behavior. Also, if all you do is emphasize what he CANNOT do- “Don’t hit the kids”- all a child processes is “Hit the kids…hit the kids…hit the kids”- because that is all that is said. How many adults do you know do something when someone tells them not to, i.e. “Don’t smoke” or “Don’t text and drive”? It’s hard enough for adults to control themselves, can you imagine how difficult it is for a young toddler who has not yet developed impulse control
   5. Pay attention to his positive behaviors This is a key step. Sometimes we often forget to acknowledge what our children ARE doing appropriately when we are focused on what they are NOT supposed to be doing.When they look to us during their play, this gives us the opportunity to interpret the situation or elaborate on it. This is an opportunity to enhance their socialization skills. A simple acknowledgement such as a smile, nod, or stating what they are doing can go a long way. For example, your child offers a shovel to another child and the child smiles and takes it. Your child looks to you. You can then explain the situation, “You gave him your shovel and he smiled at you. He looked very happy you gave that to him.” “I put him in his stroller and I tell him that he needs to sit in the stroller because he’s not behaving around other kids.”

6. 6. Provide immediate and developmentally-appropriate consequences
      I know it seems reasonable to many well-meaning parents to show the child their behavior is inappropriate by placing them in a time-out, which is punishment by isolating a child, whether in a stroller, a high-chair, or a chair in the corner of the living room. Many parents use time-out as a strategy for the child to self-reflect- reflecting on the past or the present and applying what they have learned for future actions- in order to correct their current behaviors. However, time-out is an ineffective strategy for the child because toddlers do not yet have the ability to self-reflect. They think of the here-and-now. So, while your child is sitting in the stroller, screaming and crying, all he’s thinking is, “I want to get out of here!” He might suddenly get distracted by a flying bird or the sound of a siren, and then start to cry again because he’s still in the stroller. If your intention is to teach appropriate social skills, then isolating your toddler will prove unsuccessful in the long run because they aren’t able to practice their skills with your guidance. When we give immediate responses to their behavior by stopping an inappropriate behavior when it happens (“I won’t let you hit. That’s too rough”), modeling and acknowledging positive behavior (“You gave him your bucket. He looks happy about that”), and giving appropriate consequences (Letting him know you will take away the bucket if he continues to hit people with it. If he continues, you take away the bucket), the child internalizes the rules which allows him to regulate his own behavior instead of depending on you to repeatedly discipline him with a time-out. He learns to control his own behavior because he  acquires the skills with your guidance rather than in isolation. Remember that our ability to positively guide our children comes from letting them know that we are on their side and that we understand them. Observe more and reflect on what your child is trying to learn. This will make it possible for you to see things from their perspective.