You hear the words, “Validate your child’s feelings” all the time in today’s society. It’s so common that it seems like the key to fixing every conflict between you and your child is “validate their feelings”. Yet, do you often find validating your child’s feelings isn’t working the way you want it to? Does it seem to be doing more harm than good? There are more tantrums, meltdowns, and resistance from your child and you’re left wondering what went wrong. 

This is what you need to know: validating a child’s feelings is only one part of developing an empathic and supportive approach to raising children. Learning how to set limits and discipline with respect, kindness, and clarity requires you to recognize how and when to move forward during heated moments with your child. 

Why is validating a child’s feelings so important? What does it look like?

When we validate a child’s feelings, it means we accept and confirm their thoughts and feelings, showing both understanding and respect for who they are. Emotional validation has numerous benefits to a child’s development, including improved self-esteem, empathy, self-compassion, and the ability to accept and manage their emotions in a healthy way.

We validate by actively listening to what they are going through, acknowledging their experience and emotions instead of dismissing or minimizing it. Instead of saying, “It’s not a big deal” or “You’re being too sensitive”, we let them know “I can see why it’s so upsetting” or “It sounds like you’re really frustrated.” Validating a person’s feelings is crucial for building connection and trust, ultimately creating and strengthening relationships.

There’s no doubt that validating your child’s feelings is crucial to their overall well-being, but there are moments in your parenting when you need to do more than validate feelings to support your child.

Let’s discuss a possible scenario when validating a child’s feelings backfires and doesn’t help your child or the situation the way you intended.

Imagine it’s morning time and you and your preschooler are getting ready for the day. You’re going to work and your child is going to school. You’re feeling very accomplished- you got lunches ready, you’re dressed, and your child had breakfast. All that’s left to do before hopping in the car is getting your child dressed. 

Your child tells you she wants to get dressed on her own- great! One less thing for you to do. However, you begin to notice when you leave her alone to do it herself, she ends up playing in her room. The clock is ticking and you’ve now got 15 minutes before you both need to head out the door. So, you tell her you’re going to help her, and you motion over to her shirt and pants. She gets upset and starts to cry. She doesn’t want you to help her. An overwhelming sense of guilt, exhaustion, and exasperation comes over you, but you feel for her and you understand what she’s going through.

So, you validate her feelings and say, “I know you’re sad”, and you expect that this will calm her down and she’ll finally get dressed. BUT it doesn’t work. Her emotional outburst escalates, and even though she insists on getting dressed on her own, she doesn’t. 

Now, you’re stuck. You feel torn during this moment. You want to listen to her and show that you care about her feelings, but you also have somewhere to be and she’s not cooperating. You wonder, “Do I wait it out until she’s ready?”,  “Am I traumatizing her if she’s screaming while I dress her?”, “Should I just call work and tell them I’ll be late?”

Does this sound familiar? 

Moments like this are never easy, and it happens to every parent in some form or degree. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your child, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. These are learning experiences- ones that help shape you to become a stronger leader and mentor for your child when you are willing to better understand your child, the situation, and yourself better.

There are 3 moments when validating a child’s feelings isn’t enough to provide what your child needs and signal to you to take action. 

Moment #1: Transitional times

The example I mentioned above is a transitional time- when a child must go from one activity to the next. It’s difficult for children to do this because their brains are not mature yet, and they process information slower than adults. Sometimes children are going to get stuck in that activity. They don’t have the same foresight or experience as you, and they don’t have a sense of time. They need help to move along, even if they have a difficult time. We validate their feelings, yes, but it doesn’t require us to rely on it to show we care. This is how it can go:

“It’s really tough getting dressed in the morning when you really want to play. I understand. I’m going to help you put on your shirt and your pants now.” 

You follow through and stay true to what you say by helping your child get dressed even if they continue to cry. Allow them to feel what they feel without shame or judgement. Your child is allowed to be human- to be angry and sad about the situation. Being that parent who remains steadfast and who your child can rely on to be consistent is how we show our care for them. 

Moment #2: Your child is overwhelmed

Children can become overwhelmed in many situations. Remember, their brains and systems are not as mature as adults. Think of a kids’ party with lots of kids and adults in an indoor play space- it’s a jumble of experiences, noises, and sensations, and for many children, this can be more than they can handle and they get overstimulated and overwhelmed by it. 

After the event, if you have a toddler or preschooler, they are most likely tired and have experienced sensory overload. This combination can trigger a tantrum which can then turn into a complete meltdown. At this time, a child’s stress levels are up, and they don’t hear or respond to much of what you’re saying, including emotional validation. A child might even get more angry when you repeatedly acknowledge their feelings and argue with you claiming, “I’m not angry!” Or ”I’m not tired! Leave me alone!” 

This is when it’s best to remain a quiet, calm presence and take care of what their body needs, which in this case may be a nap. This may sound like:

“I’m going to help you change your clothes. You look like you’re having a difficult time. It’s time for bed.”

Then, stay quiet and calm in your movements and your facial expressions as you follow through on that routine.

Moment #3: It’s affecting your child’s well-being or health

Children are very observant, and they recognize when what they say or do can postpone routines they don’t want to do- such as bath time or bedtime. Children are not trying to manipulate you. They simply recognize when strategies work. For example, it’s bedtime and you’ve read the two books agreed upon. You say goodnight and before you’re about to leave, your child asks for another book, a glass of water, wants you to see how high they jump, or has to go pee. If it postpones bedtime, it’s a strategy they will continue to use. 

Another strategy they might want to try is talking about their feelings. They want to have a long discussion about how sad they felt when they were at school, for example. This is when continuing to validate their feelings and not holding your boundary affects your child because, again, if they succeed in postponing bedtime, they will continue to use that strategy night after night. And because of it, they aren’t sleeping on time and they feel groggy the following day. 

We show we care when we hold our boundaries, and we do it for their own well-being. You can say something like, “It sounds like there were moments at school that made you really sad today. I want to hear all about it. It won’t be tonight because it’s bedtime. Let’s talk about it over breakfast tomorrow. I love you very, very much. Sweet dreams, goodnight.”

Validating a child’s feelings doesn’t mean we don’t follow through on the limits we set. If anything, they go hand in hand. When you accept your child’s feelings about you or the situation, and STILL do what is best for your child without waiting for their buy in, your child builds trust in you, they feel safe, and eventually they learn to follow your example and govern their own actions. 

Emotional validation is non-negotiable. Every child, adult, and all the ages in between benefit from feeling seen and heard. The practice of accepting and acknowledging a person’s feelings as valid, even if you don’t agree, fosters open communication, trust, deep connection, and a healthy, thriving relationship.  This doesn’t mean children are allowed to act in any way they wish. It means we show our children that we love and accept them for who they truly are while we hold ground and teach them to become confident, well-rounded individuals.